Edward Cullen vs Edward Elric
by Mawk
Summary: This helps me blow off steam... hope you enjoy!
1. Chapter 1

One day, in the beautiful land of fanfiction, flowers were blooming and grass was growing and the sun was shining brightly upon this cliché beauty. Birds sang in the trees that were straight and tall in their glory. The battle was about to begin.

On one side of the field a tall, pale teenager with a chiseled face stood, his golden Gary Stu-ish eyes dark. There was a huge set of bleachers built up behind him that was absolutely packed with millions of girls. The girls were surprisingly quiet and focused, and their butts were hovering about an inch above their chairs. The teenager whom they were aiming their stares at had hair that was perfectly swooshed into a bouffant mane that didn't move even when hurricane-force winds swept through it. The teenager revealed his secret for sparkle-ness and rock-hard hair by quickly swishing a "Got2b Diva Fabulous Sparkle Spray" over his head and finishing with a fine mist of SuperGlue. There was screaming from the bleachers behind him. The fumes drifted to the ground and killed some of the bunnies that had been sleeping in a burrow underneath the teenager. Satisfied that his fashion sense was as noxious as ever, the teenager elegantly shaded his eyes and looked over at his adversary. The rabid fangirls in the bleachers behind him started to hyperventilate respectfully.

On the other side of the field, a short blond boy was loosening up. There was a set of bleachers behind him too, but the people sitting there seemed less crazy than the fangirls on the other side. There were some boys in these bleachers as well, distinguishing it from the other bleachers. The people in these bleachers were talking to each other, laughing and joking, and occasionally one of them would pull out their vampire voodoo dolls and would stab it ferociously with their sporks. There were some fangirls who were just as ridiculous as the ones on the other side, but those were quickly dug up and tossed onto the other side of the field by the blonde boy's security guard.

"Hey Ed!" the security guard shouted as he dragged a struggling fangirl off the bench. "You might want to hurry up and get it over with. The Risembool Rangers are getting aggressive." He dumped the girl onto the other side of the field and flew back, sweeping his gaze over the remaining people.

"Yeah yeah, don't rush me," the blonde boy answered, rotating his right arm. His blonde hair was pulled back into a braid, and his darker golden eyes were determined. They were also much more natural looking than his opponents' eyes, which were much too Gary Stuish. The author pulled herself together and attempted to continue her unbiased writing. "This'll be a piece of cake."

"THE CAKE IS A LIE!" the fangirls on the other side of the field screamed in unison. Everyone else winced; the security guard dropped the insane fangirl he was holding to put his hands over his ears. "I LUF YOU Edward Elric–!" the girl screamed as she plummeted. She mashed into the ground in a pancake shape. The people in the bleachers stared, then decided it wasn't really a waste and resumed their laid back conversations.

"Dark," Edward Elric sounded slightly annoyed. "I know it's tempting and all, but please don't kill off the fangirls."

"Not even the rabid ones? They might contaminate the rest of them…" Dark answered, his wings glinting in the strong sun. Some girls were building a set of bleachers next to the Edward Elric's, holding "Dark Mousy" signs. "Oh, it seems my fangirls have arrived as well. Excuse me." Dark flew over to the girls and started to flirt with them.

Elric rolled his eyes. The armor suit next to him shifted and asked, "Brother, do you think you can beat him?"

"Don't worry, I've had a grudge against this guy for a long time. There's no chance he'll win."

"Okay brother, but remember to not lose your temper when he calls you short."

"What? Do you think I'm stupid enough to do that?"

The armored suit was silent, and Edward hmphed. "We'll see who's shorter by the end of this!" he yelled.

"SQUISH HIM FLAT, ED!" the Risembool Rangers behind him chanted. "SQUISH HIM FLAT!"

"FRY HIM WITH YOUR SPARKLE POWER!" the fangirls behind the tall guy shouted. "BITE HIM WITH YOUR FANGS!"

"I don't have fangs; it would ruin my perfect teeth and therefore my overall perfectness," the glittery fairy vampire pointed out.

"Aww, come on!" Edward Elric grinned cockily. "What kind of vampire doesn't have fangs?"

On cue, the Risembool Rangers roared, "ONLY PANSY VAMPIRES DON'T HAVE FANGS!"

Count Dracula, who was wearing a red shirt with the words "RED DAWN" written across it, was jumping around furiously on top of the bleachers. "Give me my fangirls back! You don't deserve the title of vampire! Even Emmet was less Gary Stuish than you were!"

"Should I be offended?" Emmet asked Alice. They were hiding behind the vampire fangirl bleachers, avoiding being trampled by the rampage that was sure to ensue. Alice looked at him disinterestedly and shrugged her shoulders.

"You don't even drink real human blood!" Dracula continued to rant. "You're a shame to vampire-kind! You don't even have the guts -" here he grabbed one of the vampire-fangirls he'd kidnapped earlier and bit her throat open. "- to do this!" he finished, his mouth red with blood.

"Stop it! _You're hurting his feelings!"_ some rabid vampire-fangirl shrieked across the field. The noise was ear piercingly loud, and several fangirls on both sides of the field went down, holding their newly pierced ears in wonder and agony. The owner of the voice, ran down the bleachers, screaming, "Edward! Oh, Edward! They're being so mean to you!"

"Bella, my love," the sparklepire answered as his special, unique, matchless soul mate cartwheeled down the stairs. "You should not be here, as this will likely be messy and bloody and would definitely ruin the delicacy of your soul."

"Oh Edward!" the girl swooned as the vampire carried her to the helicopter landing pad and began strapping her into a straightjacket. "I'm sure it will be okay! You won't even have to work hard, he's so small-"

"Who're you calling small!" Ed shrieked.

"Do not worry, my love," the glittering man said as his love was carried off by a very expensive and shiny helicopter. "This is for your own safety!"

Meanwhile, a schmancy military car had cruised up right next to the red-cloaked blonde, and Colonel Mustang leaned out. "Fullmetal, I trust you not to die."

"Hah! Don't insult me!" Fullmetal rubbed his hands together, grinning evilly and gleefully, which made several Risembool Rangers die from nosebleeds. The Mini Skirts Army booed and hissed as they drove away. The remaining Rangers blew raspberries at them.

"There's no time for them!" the armor yelled, waving his arms. "We can have another dodgeball tournament after brother finishes here!"

"Yeah! Get on with it!" all the fangirls screamed. The fanboys, whose population was centered around the smaller fighter, all shrugged and screamed too.

The battle finally started, mainly because the author had run out of ideas for making fun of the vampires. Dramatic music played in the background as the Edward Cullen went to stand on his starting block and Edward Elric quickly tied back his hair. Cullen waited for Elric to make the first move.

"Come on, you vampire!" Ed jeered, starting to run towards him. "Time to prove that your name is wrong!"

"Don't be stupid," Edward Cullen hissed, dodging all of the blonde boys' attacks. "I'm supernaturally fast, strong, and sparkly – what chance have you against me?"

"Urk!" Fullmetal urked as the vampire moved his hand slightly and socked him in the stomach. He skidded backwards a few feet, eyeing his opponent with new respect. He spit to the side, hearing Izumi screaming behind him.

"Don't you dare let him beat you!" she roared, sitting on her husband's shoulder. Sig grunted and gave Ed a thumbs up.

As Ed spat to the side, the vampire suddenly appeared before him, his hair still unruffled. '_Damn, he's faster than –!' _The young alchemist barely managed to duck a blow from the century old bloodsucker, his confidence turning into determination. "Would – you – stop – dodging!" he huffed as he punched the air around his enemy. He definitely wasn't used to being slower than anyone.

"I can read your actions before you even do them," the vampire monotoned, shifting so quickly to avoid the blows that you couldn't tell he'd moved. "Your mind is an open book to me."

"What are you talking about?" Ed ducked and sprang backwards, distancing himself from Edward Cullen. The vampire shrugged, and sparklies floated around him. Ed eyed them distrustfully. "You took those from Armstrong, didn't you?"

"NONSENSE, EDWARD ELRIC!" a voice boomed across the field. Ed vaguely made out a huge mass of muscle posing in front of his bleachers. "THESE SPARKLES HAVE BEEN PASSED DOWN THE ARMSTRONG FAMILY FOR GENERATIONS! NO NOOB VAMPIRE COULD HAVE STOLEN THEM!"

"I can read minds," Cullen answered Elric's initial question. He jumped right in front of the youngest alchemist, startling the heck out of him. Ed hadn't even seen a blur. "And my glitteriness is just one more of the deadly things about me." Both Edwards resumed slapping and jabbing the air around each other's faces. "I'm the perfect human predator. Everything about me lures them in-" He was cut off as his opponent clapped his hands together and slapped the ground beneath him. "What are you doing-" He saw it in his mind as soon as the Earth started moving. "!"

"I got bored of your monologue," Edward Elric explained, shrugging his shoulders. "Nobody likes clinically depressed people." He inspected the rock dome he'd transmuted over the vampire. "Not bad, not bad at all…"

There was a huge dramatic tumble of rock, pebbles, and grains of sand. The vampire had punched his way through the rock wall in under a minute.

"Jeez!" Edward Elric yelled as the vampire launched him into the sky. "Come on, that was a freaking rock wall! How Gary Stu can you get?" The Risembool Rangers booed and hissed.

"What are you talking about? This is nothing." The vampire caught him as he fell and swung him into the sky again.

"Rrrrr!" Fullmetal growled as he was shot into the clouds. He crested over the top of a fluffy white one and plunged back through it towards his enemy. Cullen was preparing to continue his game of toss-an-Ed, and moved to intercept him. Ed had a brief flashback of Scar and gritted his teeth.

_ Hmm, _Edward Cullen thought. _I wonder who that dark skinned, red eyed man it is he is thinking about. What's so good about him? _This thought process took as long as it took for Elric to finish falling to earth. Cullen flung him up again. _That man has a tattoo… I wonder if it means something…_

"Don't let him beat you, Ed!" Pinako yelled, her bun dripping natto all over the stands. A Risembool Ranger kindly lent her his bull-horn, and Pinako jumped up, shrieking like a banshee. "Show that vampire how much power good home cooking has!"

"All right, all right!" Ed snarled, thinking hard. As he plummeted towards Cullen, he clapped his hands and quickly stuck them in the vampire's face.

_ What- _The vampire exploded all over the field.

"NOOOOO!" screamed the Cullen fans. Some of them fell from their seats, slavering with horror. The Risembool Rangers on the other side of the field cheered and quickly tossed lighters and torches down to the field.

"You have to burn the pieces!" They screamed. And it was true. The vampire shreds began to wriggle and twitch towards each other.

"Eww!" Ed shivered and flicked a gray piece of vampire off of his skin. A flaming wrench hit him in the face.

"Hurry up Ed!" a Winry cosplayer cheered from somewhere in the mass of red-clad Rangers. Edward muttered something incoherent and most likely insulting about Winry cosplayers in general and started to pick up the mess he had made.

* * *

><p><strong>Hello my lovelies! I know I didn't post anything for like, ever, but I'm here now... my Zutara story died. I'm so sorry.<strong>

**Review?**


	2. Chapter 2

"Well, that seemed fairly simple," Edward Elric commented as he surveyed his work, hands on his hips. He stared at the massive pile of gray vampire flesh that he had constructed. For some reason there was way more flesh in this pile than there ever was attached to the vampire, which went against the Laws of Alchemy, but Ed decided that since this was the land of fanfiction and the author was high on her own imagination anyway, he would tolerate it and possibly not question it all too much.

The girls in the Cullen stands had gone eerily silent ever since their hysterical scream attack when theirbeloved icon had exploded all over the field. The Risembool Rangers were restless and muttering, as if sensing an oncoming storm. Even the die-hard fans were silent, leaving Dark fluttering aimlessly above the stands. He'd finished being the ladies man and had a serious look on his face.

Behind the Cullen stands, Emmet turned to Alice. "Did you see that coming?" he asked, not really concerned about the fate of his so-called "brother."

Alice had a contemplating look on her face. "No, actually, I didn't. _They're _here." She gestured over to the Elric stands. Next to them, a group of tan skinned shirtless men stood, their grim faces contrasting sharply against their lovingly linked hands. When the giant mound of flesh began burning, they began dancing happily together, putting on an amazing impromptu dance number for the Risembool Rangers, who sat looking very confused. Pinako however whistled in the awkward silence and threw kiss-hands at the dancers.

"Thank you, lovely lady," one of them said, bowing deeply. Pinako smiled her old lady smile at him and folded her second, third, and fourth fingers into her palm and stuck her thumb into her ear, waggling her pinkie finger.

"Call me!" she mouthed, sitting back down. Everyone stared. Somebody in the front row made cricket noises. It was Envy.

Ed moved away from the giant bonfire as it flared up into the sky, sending purple smoke everywhere. The smell got into his nose and burned his lungs. "Disgusting," he muttered, moving farther back and throwing a cautious glance back at the Cullen stands. The freakish silence of their numbers unnerved him. It was like they were all communicating mentally or something. Ed drew his arm over his mouth to ward off the stench and moved back towards the stands.

"Glad that's over," he murmured, looking back at the pyre. The smoke wasn't even a pretty purple; it was a sickening, nauseating kind of color that looked as bad as it smelled. Some of the Rangers started to whiff it too, but they held strong and covered their noses with aluminum foil.

"What's up with them?" Winry whispered, pointing at the stands way over the field. Ed looked to his right and saw her twisting her left bang strand worriedly. "Why aren't they, you know, doing anything?"

"ATTENTION," a voice boomed over the grass. The Twilight fans slowly looked up as a collective unit, their faces tightened into grim lines. A shiny, expensive helicopter droned into sight, its rotor blades flashing in the sunlight. "YOU HAVE TERMINATED MY ONE TRUE LOVE AND THE ONLY SPARKLEPIRE WORTHY OF MY LOVE," the voice continued. Dark sighed and flopped into the stands to let his fangirls massage his shoulders. Whiz popped into his bunny form and nuzzled up to them in his cuteness.

"Oh, it's just that Mary Sue," a Ranger commented, finally drawing a reaction from the Twilight fans. They hissed together, like some kind of giant, thousand headed hydra.

"Bella Swan," they started chanting, in a kind of deep tone that was probably due to the only male Twilight fan occupying several megaphones. "Bella Swan, Bella Swan, Bella Swan…"

"Hey! No fair!" somebody began freaking out in the top row of Elric fans. "They can't just start chanting! Come on guys!" The Risembool Rangers began to sing in harmony; "True Light."

"Hey, my theme song!" Dark purred silkily as everyone began singing. The shirtless tan men looked confused at the song, making hesitant steps in random directions as if unsure of how to dance. Pinako jumped down from the stands and began tangoing with them.

The swell of voices grew louder. Eventually the Twilighters were screaming, "Bella Swan! Bella Swan!" while the Rangers were yelling in Japanese back at them. Eventually an air horn sounded from the shiny helicopter and everybody shut up.

"BE QUIET," the voice thundered. After a few seconds of quiet, the voice turned sad. "WHY CAN'T YOU PEOPLE JUST LEAVE EDWARD ALONE! ALL I EVER WANTED WAS TO STARE SOULFULLY AT HIM EVERY FEW PAGES OR SO! IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?"

"He desecrated the name of Edward," Rosé answered, her voice loud and solemn as that of a priest. "You and he shall be punished for playing this little game and broadcasting it, first in print, and then in film, across the world."

"NOW THAT EDWARD IS DEAD, I HAVE NO REASON TO LIVE!" the helicopter shrieked and started tipping back and forth. "Miss Swan!" the pilots voice rang out. "Please be calm-"

"HOW CAN I BE CALM WHEN EVERYBODY CALLS ME MISS SWAN! WE'RE MARRIED! WE HAD A GORGEOUS BABY GIRL! WHY DOES NO ONE RESPECT THAT?"

Armstrong shifted slightly and looked offended. "This has gone too far," he proclaimed. "Not only has that vampire tried to steal my iconic sparkles, but now this lady is stealing my loud, booming voice as well! This cannot be tolerated!" He made a fist and sparkle power shot out of it. It missed the helicopter by a mile. Olivier Milla Armstrong sniffed at her brother.

"Your strength does you nothing without aim, Brother," she spat in disapproval before returning to her arm wrestling match with Izumi. Armstrong glared at her and the Alphonse, who was staring at him.

"B-but you never miss…?" Al said, turning into his chibi forme. Armstrong sparkled at him and turned away. "Brother!" Al turned, seeing his brother silently arguing with Winry, jerking his eyebrows at her. She was jerking her eyebrows even more jerkily than he was, fuming. Al didn't really care what they were arguing about, but it looked heated, so he tossed a kitten between them to soften them up.

"Blargh!" Ed blarghed as the kitten dug itself into his braid. "Al, remove the cat!" he commanded, dancing erratically back and forth to dislodge it. The kitten hissed, bared its teeth, and clung even more tightly to his braid. Winry watched, disappointed.

The helicopter above their heads continued droning on with the quick _thwip thwip thwip _of its rotor blades. The Twilighters were still staring at the shiny piece of technology, immersed in their own thoughts. There was awkward silence, broken only by the hissing kitten and the hissing alchemist who was busy trying to remove the kitten.

There was the screeching of a microphone, and everyone covered their ears. It stopped quite quickly though, and soon someone was heard speaking.

"Hello everyone," the cultured, educated voice flowed through the air. The Risembool Rangers froze, some of the female ones starting to get a crazy look in their eyes.

"Tama-chan?" a voice was heard, distantly, as though a few steps away from the person with the mike. The voice was cute, childish, and growing in volume. "What are you doing? Can I see?"

"Honey-senpai, give me back my mike!" The first voice spoke again, energetic. There was silence, then: "Hi again. I'm very sorry for the little interruption we had there, but we're good to go now! This is Tamaki Suoh, speaking on behalf of the Host Club."

And the squee-ing began. Clusters of Risembool Rangers stood up, vying to see where the sound was coming from. One of them pointed and shouted, "Over there!" They all looked. It was a giant speaker.

"Oh, very good!" the voice praised. "But I'm not crazy enough to reveal my location to –" The voice broke off as a gigantic television set was rolled onto the grass in front of the bleachers. The screen flickered, then showed a picture of a group of young men dressed completely in camouflage, surrounded by bushes. The Rangers went mental.

Meanwhile, back on the Twilight side, the fans had gotten over their helicopter-high and had decided to see what their mortal enemies were up to. "Why do they get a TV?" one of them hollered. Right after this, the helicopter zoomed in close to the Twi-stands and just barely avoided decapitating the top row of fans. But just barely.

"There's no point in living now that Edward Cullen is dead," the helicopter had a new voice, silky smooth and not at all suicidal, clumsy, or pale. It wasn't even Mary Sue. It was completely, utterly, and quite interestingly normal. The voice went on. "Bella sees no point in living; why should you?"

"Oh yes, I planned for this a long time," Tamaki Suoh went on, oblivious to anything not as shiny as himself. His fangirls stared at the screen in disbelief. Tamaki started saying something else, but a fangirl ran up to the screen and sobbed hysterically.

"Tamaki, I thought you were such a good person!" she cried, tears flowing down her face. On the screen, Tamaki looked stricken.

"Oh, Kyoya, what have we done?" he asked plaintively.

"Well, it appears that our clientele has come to the conclusion that you no longer care for their feelings. Our revenue will decrease greatly." Somewhere off screen, Kyoya shifted his ever-present glasses and looked pointedly at his "leader". Sometimes he wondered whether Tamaki's brain was up to par with his actions. It often seemed like his brain caught up with him after he had tangled himself into some petty difficulty.

"Senpai, shouldn't you just get on with it?" a girl's voice monotone over the screen. Next to Ed, Winry stiffened and looked around.

"Haruhi?" she asked.

"Oh hey, Winry," Haruhi continued to monotone, somehow sounding more interesting than the droning voice of Bella Swan. A camouflaged mass of fake greenery shoved into the screen. "How're you doing?"

Before this extremely interesting female-to-female exchange could happen, the helicopter intervened. The Twilighters had risen from their stands and were massing, forming a collective unit. As one, they raised their heads and scented the air. Their eyes slowly fell upon the Risembool Rangers, who eyed them warily. Feral grins crept onto their faces, strongly contrasting the general paleness, clumsiness, and unathleticness that seemed to define them.

"Seriously," Edward Elric commented on the author's choice of words. "How come the people in her school found any of that attractive?"

"Sig'd never have settled for such a wimpy, useless wife!" Izumi bellowed. "Right, honey?" Sig grunted agreement.

"Look at them, completely devoid of vitamin D." Dr. Knox rose momentarily above the swell of Rangers.

The Twilighters began advancing on the Rangers.

"Quick, turn the TV around!" Tamaki commanded. "We need to see what's going on!" The werewolves turned the ginormous TV easily.

A huge army of sun-deprived teenagers spread over the field. Glitter started to fly. Plastic fangs were introduced to their dental structures. Red and gold contact lenses slipped over blue, gray, green, and brown eyes. Purple eyes, however, stayed that way because of their epicness, and also because people believed that creating an OC for Twilight with purple eyes was somehow original.

"Oh joy. Looks like this'll turn into a party." Jean Havoc walked down the aisles, his cigarette hanging stubbornly out of his mouth. He turned to Ed, who was staring at the army with a disgusted, bemused look on his face. "Let it begin, Fullmetal."

"Alright. But only after Al removes this cat." Ed pointed at his head. The tabby kitten remained as stubbornly on his head as if stuck with Super-Glue.

"I don't think that's a good idea," Al replied. "It might get scared and scratch you."

"Okay fine!" Edward Elric jumped up dramatically and pointed at the army. The kitten swayed. "Risembool Rangers! Our enemy is advancing! Time to show what you're made of!"

The Risembool Rangers rallied at the cry of their kitten-crested leader. All of them leapt downwards, causing a slight pileup of bodies at the bottom of the stands as the slower ones were overtaken. This of course caused a huge debate over whose shoe was whose, and Dark had his hands full handling the scuffles that subsequently broke out.

"Wonder why they're so touchy today?" Winry asked, polishing over her wrench. Ed eyed it misgivingly.

"IT WAS I, YOUNG LADY!" Armstrong boomed. "I MADE SURE TO PREPARE THEM FOR THE EVENTUAL OCCURRENCE OF THIS BATTLE."

"Oh god…" It had just dawned on everyone not related to Armstrong's training program that everyone behind him was much buffer than everyone else. "How many pushups did you make them do?"

Alas, this question was never to be answered. The battle began. Everyone fought viciously, and the stakes were high. Even Dracula grabbed a stake and went stab-happy with it, befriending Envy in the process. Their vows of eternal friendship were beautiful and heartfelt and lovely and made all the more emotional battlers cry.

Eventually though, everyone was done beating up on everyone else and they all decided to eat pocky together. Except all the Twilighter's pocky was flavored with a mind-numbing powder that made them promise loyalty to the Melon Lords forever. And thus the Twilighters were vanquished and the Risembool Rangers had some really good pocky.


End file.
